I'm going to be really straightforward here. Over the past few years I have immersed myself in learning about sacred partnership/love/intimacy/sexuality: studying the polarities, attraction, and relationship dynamics. It began with a Tantra workshop in 2015, which then led me to reconnect with a more western approach that better aligned with my own spiritual roots, as Tantra has eastern roots and felt a little like cultural appropriation to me.
I have read David Deida's work and looked at what his colleagues/students are putting out there, I have looked Yogi Bhajan's ideas, and the list goes on.
Over this time, I grew extremely frustrated with the notion that women needed to be fully in their feminine and men fully in their masculine all the time in order for the polarities to be in tact. This is what I was hearing from most of the teachers.
This idea of the polarities, for those of you who aren't familiar, is this: in a romantic partnership, in order to peak attraction to occur, one partner must embody the feminine and one must embody the masculine. This can happen no matter what genders are together. Feminine does not necessarily equal woman, and masculine does not necessarily equal man. It's confusing when you're new to these ideas (it took me a while to get it) and many have advocated for the replacement of masculine/feminine with yang/yin. I go back and forth with it.
I love the concept of the polarities, and have experienced amazing sexual tension in relationships where this plays out, but KNEW that the traditional teachings needed to evolve. This is because I love and support gender fluidity, and believe it is happening for an evolutionary reason.
I am also a healthy mix of feminine/masculine, and much of the work from the well-known teachers was not fully resonating with me, as I felt like I was being told to suppress my masculine, and that if I was a woman who was carrying masculine characteristics, then that was simply cultural programming or remnants of the feminist movement that I needed to erase.
Now, I totally agree that in my past - especially during my late teens/early 20's - I was very much in my masculine, and it was actually the toxic masculine. I unconsciously hated my feminine and also lashed out at other women who were super feminine. I won't get super detail oriented here, but there were reasons why this was happening based on my own familial and cultural programming, and this DID need to be addressed. I realized this a few years ago and have healed my relationship to my femininity through connecting to the divine feminine. It's been so incredibly powerful that many of my offerings today are meant to help women heal their relationship to their femininity, and also to their female bodies.
That being said, I reached a point where I was so in my feminine that I was suppressing any masculine within me. We ALL HAVE BOTH to some extent and the degrees to which these are expressed vary by individual. However, through consciously looking at my patterns through continued study, I knew it was time to invite my masculine back in, and do it in a healthy way. This meant recognizing toxic masculinity (and toxic femininity, for that matter) and commit to cultivating healthy versions of both polarities.
I'm at a place now where I am a happy embodiment of both my healthy feminine and healthy masculine, and where I fall on that spectrum varies depending on the day, moon cycle, season, mood, etc. It's all so beautiful and I feel so honored to be at a place of such increased inner peace with it.
So, back to the teachings on sacred sexuality, etc. I almost abandoned my studies completely because I was not finding anyone speaking about how to work with gender fluidity in the context of sacred partnership. That is, until I stumbled upon the work of Londin Angel Winters and her partner Justin Patrick Pierce.
Their version of sacred intimacy is exactly what I have been searching for. They have a concept of energetic agility that addresses gender fluidity specifically, and it feels cutting edge in this domain. Essentially, it teaches you how to embody either your feminine or your masculine - whichever you feel called to express in the moment - and having a partner who is so in tune with you that they know to embody the polarity to keep the attraction alive.
Unconsciously, I think this happens naturally to some extent in romantic partnership, and yet for those of us who are more conscious about our relationship interactions, it can be interesting and important for the long-term health of the relationship to understand and work with these energetic dynamics in a deeper way.
To be clear, you don't need the polarities activated every single moment in partnership. There may be times when you are more interested in being in best friend mode with your partner and/or working with them in the business world where polarity is less important and may actually prevent these desired dynamics to play out. It's really just when you want peak attraction, especially from a sexual standpoint, when polarity becomes important.
Currently, I'm at the beginning stages of my journey of working with energetic agility in relationships, but it feels so true and right for me (finally!) that I am SO EXCITED to be on this path. I am super interested to surrender more into my femininity in the context of romantic partnership while allowing my partner to embody the strong + healthy masculine, but also need energetic agility.
You know I'll be sharing more about this as I go on, because I get super fired up about anything in this realm and want to talk about it with everyone I know!
Let me know any comments or questions below, I'd love to hear from you. Where do you feel you fall on the spectrum of masculine/feminine? (Or yang/yin if you prefer?) How have you seen this dynamic play out in your romantic relationships? What questions or concerns do you have in this domain?
(Artwork above = artist unknown. Please let me know if you know.)